So, every few weeks, when I’m putting off writing, I look at my keyword analytics for this site. For the most part, they’re what you would expect: people searching “Sarah MacLean” or “Best Historical Romance Novels” or “International Debutantes Ball” (ok…these are things I expect because I look at my analytics quite a bit.
But every once in a while, something really surprises me. For example: “Who would win in a fight a mole or a koala?”
I’ll give you a moment to process that question and ask the inevitable two follow-up questions: 1) Why on earth did that question send someone to your blog? and 2) Who would win in a fight between a mole and a koala?!
I’m so happy you asked. Because I’m starting a new feature on the blog. Once a month, I will highlight a weird keyword search that delivered unsuspecting googlers here. And if it’s a question, I will do my very best to answer it.
A simple google search for “Who would win in a fight, a mole or a koala?” drives readers to Pamela Palmer’s Nine Rules for Dating a Feral Warrior Shapeshifter. Which makes perfect sense, as both moles AND koalas would make excellent Feral Warriors…I’m sure Pam will agree.
But, because the spirit of inquiry lives deep within me, I’m not just stopping there. And neither did our intrepid googler. Indeed he/she stayed on the site for several minutes, obviously excited by the prospect of hot naked were-lions (and who can blame them?!). Like any good researcher, I took to the internet. And I asked the question. And thank god for the brilliance of Kate Noble, Micol Ostow and my friend Kevin. Because they put their heads together and worked out a solution.
First, Kevin (a scientist by day, and therefore keenly skilled at this kind of problem solving) asked an important question: What kind of mole? After some discussion, we decided that, since Google thought my blog was a viable source for the answer, we were dealing with romantically-inclined moles.
Then, the fabulous Kate Noble (Go read THE SUMMER OF YOU immediately if you haven’t already) piped in: What about location? Is the koala armed? I need to know more variables. See, Kate’s an excellent writer and this is obviously because she considers all options before setting pen to paper.
Bringing artist and scientist together proved to be a tremendous match, as Kevin, inspired by Kate’s journalistic tendencies, posited the following:
We might assume the battle is in Australia, if the mole is a marsupial mole. In which case, my money is on the koala, since the marsupial mole is basically a big blind furry worm-like thing. Really nature? WTF is up with that? Of course, the mole IS a carnivore and eats small lizards and insects. And anything that’s blind that can still catch prey must be a sneaky bastard, not to be underestimated. But it’s also 1/100 the size of the koala, and from UFC and professional wrestling we know that size does matter. So it might just come down to who wants it more…and since the koala eats poisonous trees, we know it has the stomach for a fight.
This solution seems airtight. I mean…it includes references to specific types of moles and professional wrestling, so it’s obviously scientific.
Problem solved! Koala wins!
Here comes Micol Ostow with her real-life experience: The thing about koalas is that they take in about four calories a day. I learned this in Oz. So they’re sort of lacking in get-up-and-go.
So, it’s the blind vs. the lame, y’all. And I fear we might never know the truth.
But I commit to this, Dear Readers: As long as I am the most reliable source on mole v. koala battles, I will work to tackle this important question. Which is the best this humble novelist can do.